That constant thought that if I was more organised or worked harder I could be better….get more done. That I would waste less time and therefore solve the things that are holding me back. The word productivity. I hate that if I say I am a full-time mum is not a complete sentence. That there should be more. Even though the term ‘full-time mum’ is a hilarious contradiction, because if you engage in paid employment or you don’t, you are still a full-time parent juggling life with small people. And I do work. But sometimes explaining what I do is hard because it isn’t a 9-5 so people don’t understand how that works either. I hate that suddenly I can’t be multi-faceted. That I am one or the other. Especially when my brain definitely doesn’t work like that. I am always juggling.
I hate the terms mumtrepreneur, girl boss and hustle. I am yet to meet a dadtrepreneur. I hate that when I had a baby I was bombarded with mum hacks, ways to implement a cleaning schedule round my baby to keep the house presentable and the best batch cooking recipes to make our lives easier. My husband wasn’t. I hate that I want the freedom to be a person, do things I like, go out when I want and have a job, but I never want to leave my baby. That it feels like my heart is too far away and I want to be there as he enjoys his day. I love how lucky I am that he is earth side and growing and that I can watch it happen. But I hate that time is passing and realising just how fleeting it all is. That I have to be really conscious to appreciate the moments together when he is so small. Because the world pushes me to move harder and faster. I feel like I am getting left behind. FOMO. Comparison with others is dangerous ground. I hate that sometimes it just feels too hard and exhausting. Am I doing it right? That sometimes I want to disappear for a few months somewhere warmer and quieter with less responsibility and fewer bullet points on my to do list. I feel like an introvert trying to make it in an extrovert world and that’s emotionally hard work. And the emotional self-care needs to happen, even when you don’t feel like it because it helps. It always helps. And I want to be there for you. With a full heart.
And why do I share this? Because I find it hilarious that I am the happiest I have ever been, filled with gratitude each day and am still able to have these feelings whirring and bubbling away. And I want to honour these feelings, because they are valid and real, and I wonder if other people feel like this too. And I want to remember how it feels right now when I am old and grey and am living in a weird futuristic floating pod somewhere. Remember when….